Pain
by KDMOSP
Summary: Told from JJ's POV. This is a VERY DARK story, so please be aware. Sometimes, the villain wins. Sometimes, the villain isn't even human, and sometimes they exist in your own mind. Warning for suicidal ideation .
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This is a VERY dark story. Please be aware as you read this Yes, yes I know, I have started writing like this for my past few stories, but I have found I love writing from this perspective. It challenges me! Trigger warning here: This story has mentions of suicide and depression, as well as PTSD. This is from JJ's POV.**

A mantra runs through your mind, one that refuses to leave you alone, and you see it as an excuse. Sometimes, the villain wins. You cannot remember who said it to you, and right now, you really do not care, all you know is that you are finding truth in the awful statement.

But as you sit on the kitchen floor, your gun shaking in your hands, you realize something in that statement. Sometimes, the villain isn't an unsub. It doesn't have to be a person armed with a weapon doing horrific thing. No, a villain can be your own mind, one that there is no escape from.

And you find that is even more terrifying than some of the unsubs, if not all of them, you have faced.

The doctors and counselors and therapists you have seen have all given you a label, all told you this or that. The most common phrase that is uttered is Depression, and PTSD. They have given you pills to try, different therapies, and while it works for a bit, the symptoms always come back.

And tonight is one of those nights. No amount of pills or interventions can make the hell go away. Your mind continuously flashes back to your kidnapping, the torture you were put through at the hands of an evil man.

You tell yourself it is over, that the man is behind bars and can never hurt you again. That your team did rescue you just as you knew they would, that despite every threat that he made, you survived.

You did. You are alive and you hate it. You wish that he would have killed you that night, or any of the eight nights he had you. Or the stab wound he gave you, that could have killed you. But no, unfortunately, you survived.

And everyday, life gets worse.

You don't remember the last time you ate anything, or drank anything for that matter. Your cellphone long since died, you cannot sleep. You are stuck in a hellhole you thought you had escaped.

You couldn't have been more wrong.

You lean your head back against the cabinet and bring your gun up, right underneath your chin. You have long since been thinking about doing this, knowing that life isn't worth living anymore. You just have never had the courage to do it. Your mind flashes to your sister and now you understand her pain and desperation. You have reached that point.

Your tears slide down your cheeks and you know that soon, there will be no more pain. If only you can get yourself to pull that trigger.

But, you can't. And you drop your gun in frustration and anger. You can't do it. And that somehow makes everything worse. You don't know what to do anymore.

You are simply existing in hell.


	2. Safe

**A/N: This has NOTHING to do with 200, so some of the description may fit 200, but it isn't. I actually wrote this before 200 aired! However, if you want to connect it to 200, be my guest. Please review!**

You have no idea what time it is, when you begin to hear a pounding on your door. You don't care to answer it, but know that whoever it is they will not leave you in peace until you give them a sign you are still breathing.

But it isn't worth it, nothing is worth it, so you stay where you are, laying on the cold floor, not caring that the shouts outside your door are growing more desperate. It's about five minutes later when you hear more voices. Fuck.

"JJ, open the door." It's Morgan and you roll your eyes at him threatening you. "JJ, open the door or we are kicking it in."

You wonder who the "we" is, you know Morgan is there, and Emily. You suspect they have called Hotch. You briefly wonder if they will really do it, but a reality check that hits you quickly makes you realize that they will kick that door open in a heart beat.

You groan and pull yourself off the ground and slowly go to open the door, trying to think of an excuse to explain what has happened.

"I'm coming." You force yourself to say as you unlock the door. They don't wait for you to invite them in, instead Morgan and Emily push their way inside.

"God, JJ." Emily looks at you, scolding you like a child. "We've been calling you for hours."

You nod, tuning them out as you walk into your living room and sit on the couch, curling your knees to your chest. You feel it starting again, another flashback. You see Emily and Morgan approaching you, but can no longer hear what they are saying; and soon your are back in the hell you had fought so hard to escape.

You try, try desperately to cling to what is reality, that Morgan and Em are with you. You try regulating your breathing, you try to control your heat rate from increasing, you try to stop yourself from shaking. But you know nothing works, and the flashback will happen, it has already started.

And then, you are back in that dreaded room, with that awful man. You cannot even think his name, but there he is. Again. And you are in his hands again. His fingers are running through your hair as you do everything in your power to avoid what you know is coming next.

And you relive it, relive every damn second of it. And to you, right now, it is happening again. And you want to scream, you want to cry and plead. You cannot relive this again.

It gets to the worst part, and in some part of your mind you know you have already survived this, that it isn't happening again, but on the opposite, every time you flashback to it, something new comes back- and it makes it all the more hellish. This time, it's a new smell you remember, the smell of urine and vomit.

"JJ." As the man is about to hurt you again, you hear a voice calling out to you. A voice that wasn't present during your abduction, and you find yourself looking for it. And as you do, the flashback starts to fade, first the zipties on your wrists, then the cold air that had been assaulting your nude body fades to a wonderful warmth, and the voice is slowly calling you.

You feel a hand on your hair, but this one isn't rough and calloused, its gentle, caring, soft and kind.

"We are here for you baby girl." You know that voice and you frantically look around for Morgan as your apartment. "JJ, I am right here, right here." His voice guides you out of the flashback, and you blink a few times when you see him, his protective force sitting next to you on the couch. A blanket has been draped around you and Emily is slowly brushing your hair.

Its when the flashback is over, when it is completely gone, that you notice that you are soaked in sweat, that Morgan is drenched and you look up at him, embarrassed. Instead, he simply kisses you on the forehead, covers the blanket back up around your shoulders, and presses your head down to his shoulder.

And just as you are falling asleep you hear the words. "Morgan, her gun is loaded." You don't care to fight them, because right now, right here, you feel something you haven't felt in months. You feel safe.


	3. Sun

**A/N: I am not sure I am happy with this chapter, but wanted to challenge myself. Before I get heated and mean reviews about this: if you have ever suffered from a deep depression or PTSD, it truly makes the simplest tasks seem monumental. The littlest things such as getting dressed or showering are impossible sometimes. That is where this is coming from! Please review!**

You wake up, gasping for air, and as is routine, you rush to the bathroom, barely making it to the toilet before you collapse onto your knees and dry heave. You have nothing in your stomach to expel so your body resorts to this. It's an awful feeling, but serves to compliment your awful existence.

And when the heaving stops, you simply sit back down unsure of what to do next. You sniff and cry, not bothering to wipe the tears that have begun to cascade down your cheeks, your mind cannot process anything anymore. You want it to end. You want to die, but you do not even have the energy to think of how to do it.

"JJ?" You jump at the voice and suddenly find yourself back against your bathroom wall, shaking. "JJ, it's me, it's Emily." You open your eyes to see that it is indeed Emily who has broken into your bathroom. You haven't said a word to her, or anyone since they forced their way into your apartment.

"Come on," She holds out her hand to you. "Let's get you cleaned up."

You don't know when, but sometime later you find yourself back in your bedroom, a nice, warm fluffy towel wrapped around you.

"JJ, are you cold?" Emily asks you as she sees you shaking. You only shake your head, you honestly do not know why you are shaking. It's become almost a constant presence, the shaking, and had you cared about your wellbeing, you might have taken yourself to a doctor. But the simple fact is, you don't. You don't care if it's serious or not, don't care that it's happening, or really to make any effort to stop it. You just let the shaking happen.

"Then why are you shaking?" Emily presses as she pulls out an outfit for you to wear. You don't answer her and instead look down and away. "Okay." Emily doesn't push you into conversation and for that you are grateful. "Get dressed." She places the outfit beside you and all you can do is look at it, even that makes you want to cry.

You don't want to get out from the safety of your towel,, you don't want to see the horrid cuts and burns that have been left on your body. And somehow, Emily realizes that. She reaches over and gently hugs you, letting you know that right now, you are safe.

"Do you need some help?" She asks, and you shake your head. You can do it, and as you stand up, and reach for the pants you suddenly freeze, remembering how back in that hellhole how you tried to get dressed after "it" happened.

"JJ, come on." Emily's voice is there, she is not letting you get to far from her, "Come on, JJ." She encourages and you feel her hand on yours as she helps you to do the monumental but simple task of getting dressed. She stays with you the entire time, guiding you on something that used to be so instinctual. "Here." She hands you a comfy pullover to wear and you obediently put it on.

Its only after, after you have everything on, you realize something. You made it without having a flashback. You got dressed without having to go back and suffer through it again. A task so small as getting dressed has paralyzed you hours before, and now, now you sit on the bed, dressed. And you actually feel a tiny bit of hope in your spirit.

Emily guides you out of the room and into the living area of your apartment. You notice something right away and look at Emily.

"Yeah, Morgan and I had it cleaned." She smiles at you. "Sorry lady, but something had to be done. You slept for a good fourteen hours. Morgan went grocery shopping, all you had was a bottle of ketchup." She nods to your fridge. "Fully stocked."

You don't know what to say, but continue looking around your apartment. And you are amazed at how good it feels. You are clean, the apartment is clean, you are dressed and moving around. The window are open and fresh air is blowing inside, and something draws you to the window. You walk over and step outside and immediately know what it was you wanted.

And for the first time in a long time, you see the sun.


	4. Tears

**A/N: Remember my earlier warning about this being a dark story? Keep that in mind. **

You hate Emily right now, you have always told your son not to use the word, that it is such a strong word, but you hate her. Okay, you relent a bit, you do not hate her, but you strongly dislike, despise, detest her right now. As far as you can see it, she tricked you. You see it no other way. You have no doubt the others were involved, they had to be.

Hotch had to make the call and request the eval, Morgan had to tell what he had observed, Reid probably gave all your known medical information while Garcia found someone she deemed legit. Rossi probably paid for it, and Emily tricked you into it.

To say you are livid is a bit of an understatement, you are beyond that and you intend to show it. So you sit in your living room, your arms crossed over your chest as Emily and the intruder try to get you to engage in conversation.

You know who she is, you have seen her before. She is a former Bureau employee, a victim advocate or some bullshit like that. And you want nothing to do with her, but try as you might, her voice is calming to you, and you find yourself looking at her.

She is older, dressed in jeans and a button down, dressed casual so that she doesn't give the impression that she is at all better then you. You know the technique, you have done it a few times and know that it does produce a good line of rapport.

"JJ," You hear Emily call your name and you look to her, you see the concern in her features. "Will you please just talk for a few minutes?" She pleads and you bite the inside of your lip.

"Agent Jareau," Jill's voice calls to you and you look towards her, not really caring what she has to say, nothing can fix this. "Do you know who I am?" She asks, and you know what she is trying to do, and you won't give her any reason to even consider taking you away.

You only nod at her, that is all and look away when she starts speaking again.

"Agent Jareau, I know you probably do not want to talk right now, that is okay." Damn straight you do not want to talk. "But your friends are worried about you, about your health. You don't look like you have been sleeping, is that true?" You ignore her but know she is right. "You are having nightmares about what happened, cannot sleep, but hate being awake." She adds

"Leave." You find yourself whisper, your voice shaking.

"Excuse me?" Jill asks and you look directly at her.

"Get out. I do not want you here, I do not want your help, I do not need you." You stand up and get ready to storm out of the room when her voice stops you.

"But you do, and you know it. Emily told me they found a loaded gun when she and Agent Morgan found you. What were you planning to do?" You refuse to answer and instead head back towards the hallway that leads to your room but are stopped by Hotch who blocks you from going any further. You have no idea where he came from, hadn't noticed him early.

"Move." You command him, but he remains right there, and you cannot go anywhere. You are trapped.

And then they drop it on you, and you feel your heart stop in your chest. "You are not responsible for their deaths, Agent Jareau."

You look up at Hotch, betrayed. "How dare you.." You push him hard in the chest, confident that you have already lost your job. "How dare you!" You scream at him again when you feel him reach over and wrap his arms around you as you begin to cry.

"JJ." Hotch whispers to you as you collapse to the ground in his arms. You have nothing left, your family is dead, and you cannot help but wish you were too.


	5. Drowning

**A/N: Thank you all for your reviews!**

Hotch is still holding you, his arms wrapped tightly around your waist, almost as if he is afraid that you will run off if he lets go. He is right, you plan on doing it as soon as they leave you the hell alone.

"Agent Jareau?" Jill tries again and you refuse to look up at her. No. She mentioned the one thing you refuse to discuss, it is not for her to know about.

"I am not going to lie to you, I am very concerned about your welfare." She speaks and you know what she is saying. Concerned for your welfare is code for she thinks you are going to kill yourself. Damn straight you are.

She must realize you are not going to talk to her because she turns to Hotch and begins asking him questions, as if you are not there.

"Does she have any psychiatric history?" You hear her ask and bite your tongue to prevent from snapping at the woman.

Hotch looks down on you, his grip lessens a bit and you find yourself strangely unable to pull away from his grasp. You are exhausted, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically. You have nothing left in you and you allow yourself to simply sit there. Hotch must realize it as well because he has completely released his grip on you.

"PTSD and depression." He informs Jill. Trader. How dare he tell her your health issues. It's your business not hers.

"Any suicidal ideation or attempts?" You listen carefully, wanting to know just what the profilers have picked up on.

"Yes." And your heart drops, and you refuse to look up at them. You don't want to hear the rest, you know what they are going to say and there is no point in trying to convince them otherwise. You tune out, not caring anymore, let them do what they will.

"JJ!" You snap your attention up when Hotch calls your name, he is talking to you and giving commands.

"I need to go to the bathroom." There. In there you have what remains of what you can use to hurt yourself.

"Not by yourself." Jill speaks up, as she stands up and stares you down. "I have every reason to believe you are planning to kill yourself. Give me one reason I should trust that you won't attempt that behind a locked door." Her voice has taken a turn, no longer does it have a warmth, naive feel to it, now, you notice, it is showing you that she knows you, and does not trust you.

"I don't owe you a damn thing." You spit at her, anger evident in your voice as you stand up, dammed and determined to stand your ground. "I want you out of my house. I want you all out." You turn and head for the bathroom door, daring them to follow you.

"You have a choice here, Agent." You hear Jill's voice behind you and you continue to walk. "You can work with me and your friends and agree to let us help you, or I can call and get a mental health warrant in which the police will detain you and force you into the hospital. It is your choice."

For the first time, you actually listen to her, her words, and you know she is serious. You don't want help, you don't need help, and you sure as hell won't let the damn police take you. You guess she takes your silence as a way to continue and she takes a step towards you.

"I know you are scared, agent. Being kidnapped and tortured, and raped." Each time she says one of the words, you cringe. you refuse to accept it for what it is. "And then to watch your family murdered."

"Stop." You tell her. "Stop. You do not know what is like, do not tell me what it is like or understand or can relate. Because you can't." You huff for a moment. "Please, leave."

"Not until you tell us your decision JJ." Hotch speaks up and you find yourself in a bind. They have you cornered.

"If I say yes, will you all leave?" You whisper, noting that the tension in the room has died down.

"No." Jill shakes her head. "We have an arrangement set up, someone will be with you at all times until I or a psychiatrist believe you are no longer a danger to yourself."

"I do not need a babysitter."

Jill shakes her head. "Really? When was the last time you ate? Brushed your hair, drank something? Slept longer than a few hours at a time, or went to the store?" She looks at you and you realize how uncomfortable you are. "I know you do not want us here, I know you want us to leave you alone, but we care, we all care." She tries.

"I know you do," You whisper after a long moment and you confess something, you cannot help a tear that falls down your cheek. "But I don't." You want to be with your family, you want your son in your arms, you want to hear his laughter, see his smile. Hold him one more time. You want to have your husband hold you in his arms, hear his accent, laugh at his cooking. But you can't, and it has utterly destroyed you, all you can see is darkness; and you are simply drowning in it.


	6. Help Me

**A/N: This chapter is very dark, and very sad. Have your tissues ready. ALSO! I need to thank my awesome beta: Sonya! Thank you! Also, something about this chapter, it isn't over for JJ yet, just keep that in mind. **

"Jennifer.." His voice cooes to you and you cannot help but shiver at his voice. "Whatcha say we go for another round?" His hands trace their way down your body, ready to violate you again. You have learned not to speak, not to fight, not to say anything. You have to keep your family alive.

Your little boy is in the next room, you can hear him and your husband whispering back and forth to each other. It brings a small smile to your face, hearing Will retell Henry's favorite story.

Once there was a baby star. He lived up near the sun. And every night at bedtime that baby star wanted to have some fun. He would shine and shine, and fall and shoot and twinkle oh so bright. And he said: "Mommy I´ll run away if you make me say Good Night!"

You whisper the words simultaneously as your husband does, soaking in every second you hear of his voice.

And then his mommy kissed his sparkly nose and said: "No matter where you go, no matter

where you are, no matter how big you grow, and even if you stray far, I'll love you forever, 'cause you'll always be my baby star."

They have no idea what is happening, and you have no intention of letting them find out. You cringe when you feel him on you again and force yourself to disassociate, to concentrate on your little boy's voice as he whispers to his father. You don't fight him, you can't. You learned not to fight him the first night here, when he brought your little boy into the room and promised to kill him in front of you if you did not cooperate.

It's Henry's favorite story, and you cry when you hear his little voice ask Will to read it again, and again, you utter it with him. It's a blissful, welcome distraction from what is currently happening to you. You know you are bleeding, that the damage he has done is significant. But as long as he does not hurt your family, you will do whatever he wants. And he knows it.

"Hey." He whispers in your ear, licking your cheek. "I've got some friends coming over tonight, they heard.." He grabs your hips and pulls you back towards him. "Well, they heard I was having a party and wanted to join."

You simply glare at him, when you want to do so much more. It's not even an hour later when he storms in, angry and heads straight for you. "You fucking bitch!" He screams and slams your head against the wall. At his voice, you hear Henry start to cry and call for you, as Will's voice joins him trying to calm the scared little boy down.

"What?" You whisper, unsure of what has set him off. "What did I do?" You had been cooperating, doing everything he asked. And suddenly you are very afraid.

"You didn't tell me your were a fucking FED!" He shakes you hard again and you hear a crack in your head as your skull bounces off the brick wall. "You're with the FBI."

You are not sure what to do, your head is spinning, you are dizzy and before you know it you are on your knees vomiting. And it has gone all of his shoes. Henry is screaming in the background, you vomit again, and you can see him cover his ears, the noise getting to him.

"Stop." He shakes his own head, and then suddenly stops. Stops everything before looking down at you. "I warned you not to piss me off." He hisses as he pulls a gun from his waistline. At first you think he is going to kill you right then and there but when he turns for the other room you start fighting.

With the last ounce of strength you have in you, you charge at him, determined to stop him from doing what you know he is about to do. But are stopped by a force, another man who has arrived and is holding you back as you fight and fight.

"No!" You scream at him, tears streaming down your face. "NO!" Your screams grow more desperate as he walks closer. "WILL!" You are beyond hysteria now and the man holding you back has both hands wrapped around your waist. You do everything you can, kick, scream, bite, hit, punch, but it is of no use, the man will not let go. "Henry!"

"Mommy?" You hear his little voice call out to you and the nausea returns.

"Please, please." You beg, but it is too late. Seconds later you hear the two loud bangs that destroy your life.. and you collapse into a pile on the floor hoping the next bullet is meant for you. You see him approaching, his outfit and face covered with blood and the gun pointed at you. He raises the gun and pulls the trigger.

You wake up, and scream, you scream as loud as you can, shaking as your mind refuses to let go of that awful memory. You keep screaming, screaming for your baby boy, for your husband. And then you feel something, a wonderful something and you cannot help but allow the feeling to hold you.

"JJ." The person's voice is soothing, comforting, strong and soon you hear yourself stop screaming and your hysteria turns to body shaking sobs. You have no idea who is holding you but feel yourself finding comfort in their arms. You have no idea how long you have been crying into their arms before you look up, your tears have soaked the person's shirt and you do not care.

He doesn't say anything else, but you hear more noise in your room and you pull away at the sudden movement.

"It's Garcia." The person holding you reassures you, stroking your hair, obviously aware of what has startled you. You swallow and nod and realize who the voice is; your boss, the man you had shoved hours before.

"Sugar drop?" You pry open your eyes to see your friend staring at you, her eyes full of concern. "Can Hotch and I help you change, your jammies are soaking wet." You look down at your clothes and see that she is correct, you are really wet.

"I'm cold." You offer your first words to your friends in a long time. "I'm cold, Hotch." You are shivering, shaking violently in his arms, huddling closer to him for any sort of warmth.

"Okay, how about a hot bath?" Garcia offers you. "Reid is here, so is Emily and Rossi." Garcia speaks softly, turning on the bedroom light, allowing you to see.

"No." You shake your head. The thought of having to strip down naked right now is the least favorable option.

"I know what might help." You look up to see Reid in the room and he hands you a hot coffee cup. "It's hot chocolate." He tells you and you hear your stomach growl. "I made it myself." He tells you and you offer him a smile.

"Thank you, Spense." You whisper as you take a sip of the wonderful liquid and as you drink it, you hear your team talking amongst themselves. You are not paying any attention to the conversation, but rather the comfort you are getting from their voices and think back to when Jill had been in your apartment earlier. Maybe she was right, maybe you did need their help. And as Emily reaches over and takes the cup from your hands, as Hotch drapes the comforter around you, you find yourself asking them a question you have yet to voice.

"Hotch, help me."


	7. Free

**A/N: So, the coolest thing happened to me yesterday! I am on Facebook and PM the actor who plays Mateo Cruz (Esai Morales) and got an almost immediate response back from him! How dang cool is that?!**

**Just so you know, PLEASE keep in mind that I have stated this is a very dark story and this chapter might be the darkest. If you or anyone you love is considering suicide, please reach out to someone, anyone. You do not need to suffer and there is help. PTSD is HARD, I live with it on a daily basis, but slowly, everyday I am getting better. Depression is hard and some days it may seem as if even taken a shower is a monumental task. Take it day by day, if you cannot do that, try hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second. You are someone's hero, don't forget that:**

It has been two weeks since you sobbed into your bosses' arms, and the darkest hole you ever thought imaginable, has gotten deeper and darker. Nothing is helping, nothing is working. At the time, you were sure it couldn't get any worse, now you know it could.

You gave up long ago, it just took you this long to see that. You feel nothing anymore; no anger or resentment, no hope or fear. Come to think of it, you really don't even feel alive anymore, the hunger pains you used to experince have long since gone numb, the absolute physical pain caused by depression and PTSD has faded away. There is nothing.

And you don't feel anything about not being able to feel anything. It just simply is. It is what it is.

"JJ?" You look up to see Garcia walk into your bedroom, a cup of coffee in her hands. You can see the worry on her face but that's all you see, nothing else. She comes and sits down next to you as you lay curled into the fetal position. "JJ, we need you to eat." She whispers and you feel her reach over and brush the hair from your eyes. "You've lost too much weight, pumpkin. You cannot afford to lose anymore." Her voice is soft, yet full of concern and you can see tears in her eyes. "Please, JJ. Say something." She begs you. You hear her but do not answer. You do not remember the last time you spoke, it's been a long while.

You do not make eye contact, or even reach for the coffee she brought you, instead you lay there, unwilling to move, to do anything. You just want to die and you cannot understand what the hell is taking so long. Why can't this end, why can't your torment end already?

You tried the other night, you were ready to pull the trigger again, but quickly found the only thing that would accomplish is getting you an immediate admission to the psyche unit. Your gun was gone and you still had Rossi there. Even if you had given any suspicion that you were looking for a gun, he would have the paramedics there in an instant.

That was day ago, and you were ready to try again. You just have to think how. You have to make it look as inconspicuous as possible and as your eyes dart to the bathroom, you know what to do.

Without saying a word to Garcia, you slowly unravel yourself from your ball and sit up, swaying back and forth for moment at the position change.

"Sugarplum, you okay?" Garcia asks and you simply look down. "Okay. I'm going to go call bossman." She forces a smile at you as you stand up and walk to the bathroom. You lock the door behind you and briefly wonder how a group of profilers missed a lock on a bathroom door- so much could go wrong in the room. Oh well, they missed it.

You start digging in the cabinets and are shocked to find that all of your razors are gone, damn them! And as you sink to the ground you remember one thing. Your pain pills from the hospital visit, the doctor had prescribed them to you to help with the injuries! You had hidden them, not wanting to think about taking them and had forgotten all about them. You stand back up and hope that your babysitters hadn't searched everywhere.

And when your fingers grace the bottle, you smile They had missed it. You immediately pop open the bottle and look inside. Twenty four pills stare back at you- your escape is right here. Without thinking about it, you tip a handful into your hands and shove them in your mouth, swallowing, before you repeat the process.

Not even a minute later, an empty pill bottle falls to the ground and you collapse next to it, awaiting for your mind to beg for sleep. Its just when your cheek rests against the cool title that you hear Hotch's voice followed by Garcia's concerned one.

"We can't do this anymore." Hotch says and a knock startles you. "JJ, open the door." He commands and you shake your head, knowing he cannot see you.

"Sir?"

"JJ, open the door or I am kicking it in." You are getting tired, nauseated, and suddenly you are scared. Its the first thing you have felt in a long time, fear, and you are glad for it. Oh, so soon you will be reunited with your beautiful son and loving husband. And as you even think about them, you close your eyes,the panicked voices of your colleagues slowly fading away.

You hear Garcia calling someone, requesting an ambulance, you hear Hotch kicking at the door. It doesn't matter, they are too late. You have said your goodbyes to them, they are all in a long note that is on your bed, they will find it. You've apologized to them for this, for everything, you thanked them and told everyone how much you love them. But you need this and the best thing they can do for you is to let you die.

"JJ." The last thing you see is Hotch running in and dropping down beside you, his hands reaching for your neck and him yelling at you as he grabs the bottle. After that, there is nothing. You are finally free.


	8. Awake

**A/N: Thank you all so much for your reviews, this story remains dark. **

The first thing you are aware of is an insistent beeping, a constant beeping that drives you so mad you cannot possibly go back to sleep. You try to force your eyes open to scream at the absurd noise to cut it out, but find that doing just that is a monumental task. It takes an incredible amount of effort to do so and when you do, you notice that you are exhausted.

"JJ?" Someone says to you, but before you can even identify the voice the attraction of sleep brings you back and you have no choice but to fall into the welcoming arms of sleep.

You are not sure how much longer its been when you wake up for the second time, this time it was voices that disturb you. It's easier to open your eyes this time, not so much of a fight and you are surprised to discover a few things.

The first is that you know that you are not at home, or anywhere familiar. But your other senses quickly kick in to give you pertinent information. The sounds you hear, the beeping and voices tell you everything you never wanted; you are alive, and in a hospital. Fuck.

The second thing you realize is that you cannot move your arms, well, your hands, and you know that the staff has restrained you. Why, you have no idea, you cannot imagine what could possibly constitute the need to restrain an unconscious patient. And when you try and lick your lips, you figure it all out.

There is a tube down your throat and you instinctively reach up to yank the damn thing out, knowing it is probably helping to keep you alive. And when you cannot even move your arms, you begin to struggle and machines start screaming signaling your panic.

It attracts the attention of whoever is in your room and suddenly you feel hands on you and voices talking to you. You recognize the voice of Garcia but that is it. You begin fighting, struggling, anything to get the hands off you, and you feel yourself plumping straight back into the hell you had just tried to escape from.

"We need to sedate her." You hear someone say as more hands find their way to your body.

"No. She is just scared." Garcia says. "Please, give her a chance to wake up."

You look up just in time to see Garcia leaning over you, tears in her eyes. "Gum drop, I need you to calm down." Her voice is soft, and you hate her right then. "If you don't, they are going to give you some medicine to make you sleep." She pauses. "You've been asleep for almost a week, we need you awake for at least a few minutes." You are surprised, her voice has considerably calmed your anxiety about being restrained. "You have a tube in your throat to help you breathe, JJ." She explained. "The doctor has to clear you before it will come out."

You look at her and shake your head, begging her to help you, to take the tube out, to untie your wrists so you can. Something. Anything. And she seems to understand you because she simply tears up again and puts her hand to your cheek. "I'm so sorry, JJ. But I won't." You feel the rage build in you and turn your head away from her, refusing to look her in the eye. You have to get out of this and you pull at the restrains testing their strength. It's moments later you suddenly feel incredibly drowsy and you have to fight to keep your eyes open.

You turn your head to see a nurse smiling back at you, and you see a needle in her hands. "I'm sorry, Agent Jareau." She tells you and in an instant, you are welcomed back into the darkness.

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

A bright light shining into eyes brings you back to your never ending hell; and your only option is to turn your head away.

"Agent Jareau, open your eyes for me." You hear someone commanding and find yourself doing so. Standing beside you is a strange man in a lab coat and behind him is Hotch. Wonderful.

"Agent Jareau," The doctor, or who you presume is the doctor, speaks to you again, but you refuse to look at him. "I am Dr. Scott Kassanoff, do you know where you are?" You ignore him but jump when he presses his cold stethoscope to your chest. "You are in the hospital, in the ICU. You did one hell of a job on yourself." Obviously not well enough, you think to yourself.

"Gave us quite a scare for a few days there, your liver is a mess." He pauses for a moment and you lift your wrists indicating to him to untie you. "We restrained you because you kept trying to pull the tube out of your mouth, which you successfully accomplished on one occasion. I will untie you under the promise you let me take the tube out." You nod at him, willing to accept his offer.

"Okay, hold on." He smiles at you and you watch as Hotch walks over to your side, his arms crossed across his chest and you know he is angry. "Okay, deep breath." It is an awful feeling as the doctor pulls the tube out and suddenly you find yourself unable to breathe. "It's alright, it's normal." He reassures you as he slips a mask over your nose and mouth and props the bed up.

It takes a bit, your body breathing on its own for the first time in a long time.

"Agent, can you say something?" Dr. Kassanoff looks at you and only one thing comes to your mind.

You look directly at Hotch and swallow before hissing at him. "Go to hell."


	9. Team

**A/N: I was recently alerted to a story of mine that has pretty much been plagiarized on another website. I beg you, please do not do this without permission, I understand the concept of using an idea heck how many JJ kidnap stories are out there but to take a story and switch a few words around. It is wrong.**

**Also, there is no romantic relationship between Hotch and JJ going on, this story just shows the amount of trust she has in him.**

For some reason, the damn doctors still think you need to be in the ICU, but, as they have pointed out numerous times, you are in a so called "safe room." The windows are bare giving you no privacy, you are apparently monitored at all times, you cannot break the glass on the windows, an electric wall allows for staff to put all of the necessary medical equipment behind it, restricting your access to anything that you can use to hurt yourself.

But you do have one option and you shake your head at their stupidity of missing such an easy thing. You are still connected to numerous tubes, all within your reach and access. The problem lies just outside the door, and you know before you could even rip out a tube, the staff would be inside, sedating and restraining you. And as the tears build in your eyes again, as you realize you have failed again, you reach over for the tubing that is connected to the IV in your hand. You briefly debate pulling it out, but you see the consequences; the staff would undoubtedly try and start a new one which would mean allowing them to touch you. Right now, you are not ready for that.

You hear the door open, but do not turn to look at your visitor, if you are really lucky it maybe the man who did all of this, he is here to end it. And if he does that, he is no longer your enemy the source of all of your constant pain, he will be your hero.

"Agent Jareau?" You hear a new, unfamiliar voice calling to you as you twist your fingers around the plastic. It is so close, but so far away. You hear the stranger pull up a chair next to you but cannot look at her. "Agent Jareau, my name is Hannah and I know that means nothing to you right now, but I just want to talk to you if that is okay." You continue to finger the plastic but find yourself listening to the woman. "I am not a doctor, I am not a nurse, but I am someone who wants to help you."

You refuse to answer her but do listen, she has shut off the television and the only noise in the room is her speaking. ""Can you tell me a little bit about what brought you to this point?" She asks and again, you refuse to answer her, and instead lick your lips. "I've heard the stories, I've read your chart, and I have talked with your friends, each one of those resources helps me put together a piece of a puzzle, but I am missing the most important piece. I can talk with them until I am blue in the face but that won't help me help you." She pauses and her voice is strangely comforting to you and you hope she continues.

"If you are okay with it, Agent Jareau, I would like to tell you what I have learned about you from various resources, is that okay?" She is asking you permission, she isn't just doing, she is asking for your permission to do something to you; and you find yourself nodding.

"Great. I spoke with an Agent Hotchner, he told me you call him Hotch. He also said that he has an enormous amount of respect for you and what you have been through. That he is proud to have you as an important member of the team. He also added that you have a way with victims and their families that cannot be described, you can connect with them on a level that nobody on your team has been able to replicate. An Agent Rossi thinks of you as his daughter but at the same time knows you can out shoot him and as he put it most likely kick his ass. He added that while he sees you as a daughter, he knows you are a fully capable FBI agent and wants you to know how he feels that he has the opportunity to work with you. He treasures everyday of it. Ms. Garcia." Hannah paused and you found yourself looking forward to what she had to say next. "Is a bit.."

"Garcia." You whisper, unable to find another way to describe her.

Hannah laughs. "It is funny you say that, because when I spoke with Agent Morgan he said the same thing. I am guessing that is truly the only way to describe her? I met with her briefly and she seems to be able to lift any mood. She was wearing some jewelry I have only seen kids wear but she was able to pull it off. She says you are her best friend and a damn good federal agent. She warned me not to make you mad."

You cannot help but smile at that one and start enjoying hearing about your team.

"Agent Reid. Well, let me just say that I had a hard time understanding what he was saying half of the time. But from what I gathered he cares very much about you so much so that he sits outside at the nurses station making sure you are getting the right treatment." Hannah stops to get a breath and you turn to look at her. She is young, and she reminds you of Jordan Todd, but there is something different about Hannah and you cannot put your finger on it.

"I think I got them all.." Hannah counts on her fingers.

"Emily." You whisper, before you realize you have done it.

"Oh yes, Emily. How could I forget her." Hannah shakes her head. "It's been a long shift." She laughs and her bubbly personality is almost contagious. Almost. "Emily has been at my door constantly, I finally had to convince her to go buy herself some real food." She smiles at you then bends down and whispers. "And in all honesty, she was starting to stink. She needed a shower."

You find yourself almost laughing at the idea of someone telling Emily she stunk.

"The one thing, Agent Jareau, that everyone reiterated over and over again is how much they love you." You tear up a bit. "And Agent, they are not mad at you."

And that is what it takes to make you pull your knees up to your chest and simply cry. Hannah lets you do so and before you know it she is speaking again. She knows she has won. She stays with you and offers you her hand, allowing you to make the decision to make human contact. You shake your head, not wanting it yet, not wanting to be touched, now or ever.

"Agent, if I can get you anything right now, what would it be?" She asks and you look up at her.

"My son."

She nods and is careful on how she speaks with you. "What was his name?" She asks softly.

"Henry." You find yourself whispering, "His name was Henry."

Hannah nods at you. "I love that name." And you wait for the next question you are sure will come, and when it doesn't, you are shocked. "Your friends tell me you go by JJ, your medical chart shows Jennifer, and I was introduced to you as Agent Jareau. Which one do you prefer I address you as." She stands up and you blink at her, confused.

"I.. um… JJ is fine." You whisper and she nods.

"Well JJ, it was great speaking to you today. May I stop by again?" You nod at her. "Great. Oh and.." She lowers her voice. "I wouldn't try anything." She winks and nods up at the ceiling. before pointing to your finger still wrapped around the IV tubing. "They've got cameras."

And suddenly, without warning, you are thrown back into that hellhole with that man and he has a camera pointed at you. You hear Hannah's voice calling to you, telling you you are safe, you hear monitors begin screaming, the room is fading away and one word slips from your lips before you are fully engulfed in another flashback.

"Hotch."


	10. Escape

**A/N: Thank you so much for your patience. I have been so sick lately, that is hard for me to update. I do have a new story though and it is my favorite. Go read "In Time."**

**Ya'll rock!**

"Code White, ICU, Code White ICU." You hear the overhead announcement and hug your knees closer to your chest as you hide in the basement stairwell. The code has been going off for a good while now, and you know it is for you. They are looking for you.

"Shit." You whisper to yourself as you cower in the cold stairwell, you arm is still bleeding from where you ripped out the IV. You have no doubt you have left a blood trail that will lead someone straight to you. That and you know your team is here, looking for you. With the damn FBI in the building it is only a matter of time- they hunt down criminals across the US and can find them; they will find you.

You have to keep moving, you have to get out of the hospital. But first, you have to get out of the stairwell. You've got the training, you know how to make yourself disappear, now to actually put it to use.

You have no idea where you will go, you know your team will be lurking in all of your favorite spots, so you will have to figure that out as you go. Suddenly, as the announcement goes out over the speakers again, you hear a door swing open, and propel yourself up and rush down the stairs, desperate to stay away from everyone and anyone.

"She can't have gotten to far." You hear a somewhat familiar voice speak; and the voice sends shivers down your spine. You know it… and suddenly you are terrified.

"I doubt that." The second voice speaks up. And you know it is Hannah. "She is a trained federal agent and bound and determined to end it all." For some reason, Hannah's words really dig deep.

"I heard a bit about what happened." You find yourself frozen, unable to move as the voices get closer to you; and you find yourself having to make a decision.

"She went through hell, but I am not here to discuss what happened. That is Agent Jareau's business.."

You bite your lip; they are getting closer. This is your chance at freedom, to get away from this hell hole; do you move or do you stay put? If they ever find you, you know you will find your way into a locked unit.

"Whatever, Hannah." They pause and you find yourself holding your breath, hoping they won't come any further down. "How in the hell did she get out of the ICU anyway?"

"From what we have put together, she ripped off her IV, got dressed and simply walked out."

"What dumbass let a suicidal woman off the unit?" Their voices are growing further away and you let out your breath. This was a close call.

It's just as you back up a bit more, you find it. An emergency exit door. It will set off an alarm, alerting everyone where you were; but by the time they find the exit, you will be long gone.

And without a moments hesituation, you push open the door and are momentiarly blinded by the tinstense sunlight, and the alarm screams. You have no time to waste and you take off, thankful the snow has gone, without snow, you can't leave foot prints.

You leave no trace of yourself as you run away; you simply rip off the hospital bracelet and toss it in the dumpster; and as you make your way around the hospital building, you hear Morgan's voice demanding to know where the exit is. You turn just to see him race inside; away from you. You are free.


	11. Cemetary

**A/N: I apologize for the lack of updates, I am simply exhausted. Thank you all for your reviews**

It's breathtaking, what you have. Freedom. Independence. Clarity of thought. It's all there. You can do what you want right now, and you are loving it. For the first time in months, you are alone; and you are relishing every moment of it.

In your eyes, you lost your freedom months ago when that monster stole everything from you. Since that very moment, you have not been free again; until now. You take in a deep breath and inhale the cold winter air, not minding the looks strangers are giving you as they notice you without shoes, without a coat.

And you don't care.

You don't care that your team, the nurses and doctors, the hospital staff is probably in panic mode, you don't care that a monster is still out there on the loose, looking to finish the job he started with you

You are free. You can choose where to go, how fast to walk, what to say, what to do. You have no money, no identification,so there isn't much you can do, but you don't need much. You simply need to keep walking. And so, you do, becoming increasingly unaware of where you are, or where you are headed. You see numerous police cars pass you by, and smile as they keep on driving, paying you no attention.

It's just as you take another deep breath, you see two police cars heading towards you; and you know they have found you. Without hesitation, you turn around and take off running, hoping beyond hope they can't catch you.

You have never fought as hard as you are doing right now; physically, emotionally, you are fighting. In the end, it takes four officers to bring you down to the ground, and even then, you are still fighting.

"LET ME GO!" You scream at them, kicking, spitting, remembering everything Morgan has taught you and using it. You do not even blink when you successfully kick out and hit one of the cops in the nose. It bleeds begins to poor blood.

You hear one of the men speak into his radio, requesting back up, and it makes you fight harder.

"Please, just let me go!" You beg, knowing you are out numbered.

"Ma'am, we just want to help." You hear one of them say.

"Then let me go." You shake at them as you feel your arms and hands being yanked behind your back, and you know its over. "Let me go." You hear the defeat in your own voice as the police put handcuffs around your wrists. "Please." You feel your body shaking, your entire body racked with shivers; and as you watch one of the officers take off his jacket and place it around your shoulders, gentle as his fingers barely touch you.

"We can't." One of the officers responds as he sits down next to you and zips the jacket up around you. "The FBI might be pretty upset." He explains, trying to comfort you.

"I don't care about them." You shake your head as what is happening to you slowly becomes a realization.

"They care about you." He replies and you refuse to make eye contact with him. No.. he cannot see the tears that are rapidly developing. "I know you might not believe it, but they do."

"You've already called them." It is more of a statement then a question.

"I have, they are on their way right now."

"I don't want them here." You tell him.

"I'm sorry, but when the FBI asks me to do something, if I have an interest in my career, I do it." He smiles softly.

"I am FBI." You try.

"I know you are." He pauses and you can sense he has something to tell you. "I was there that day, Agent Jareau."

"Stop." You tell him, shaking your head.

"I'm not going to go into any detail, but can I say just one thing? I can tell you, that when your team found you and found you alive, the emotion that was in that room.."

"He killed my son. He killed my husband. He should have killed me." You find yourself whispering to the officer.

"But he didn't, and I cannot answer why you are still here. I wish I could give you a reason but I can't."

You can only nod and you see the familiar black SUV pull up and watch as Morgan, Hotch and Emily jump out of the car; an ambulance pulls up right behind them. And suddenly you are embarrassed.

"I want to go to the cemetery." You look up at the young officer. "Please, just take me there."

He looks at you and nods and he walks over to your team. You see him talking to them, explaining, and within a few moments, they are all walking back towards you.

You refuse to speak, anything as Hotch leans over you. "I will make you a deal, Agent Jareau." His voice is cold, harsh, authoritative. You have heard it when he talks to UNSUBS, and now, he is using it with you.

"I will drive you to the cemetery on the condition that you agree to being admitted at the hospital. No more escapes, no more fighting with the staff. You do as your told."

You bite your lip, and consider it. And you nod. You are tired anyway, maybe it's time to stop fighting to die, and start fighting to live.


	12. Guardian

**A/N: Guardianship, as I can best explain it quickly, is becoming a person's parent. You (usually) make all of the decisions for that person, including consenting to medical treatment. **

It's as you are sitting in the back of the SUV, Hotch on one side of you, Emily on the other as Morgan guides the vehicle out of the parking lot; that you realize you have been tricked.

"Where are we going?" You growl at Morgan. The SUV is headed North, away from the cemetery.

"To the hospital." Hotch answers dryly, as he reaches behind you and uncuffs your hands.

"You said we would go to the cemetery!" You want to shout at him, but find, for some reason, you simply do not have the energy.

"I said I would drive you there if you agreed to go to the hospital." His voice remains cold, distant. "I did not say when."

You glare at him, beyond angry that he tricked you. "You tricked me." Your voice is low.. you do not bother to hide any of your anger towards him.

"To bad." His response fools you, you did not expect that.

You shake your head and look away, not wanting to converse with any of them right then; and even as they try and talk to you, you ignore them. You couldn't even succeed in killing yourself, couldn't even succeed in making it to see your son and husband. You simply cannot succeed at anything.

You are not sure how long you have been in the car when Hotch is talking to you again.

"Get out." He commands. You look up and see that they, again, have you trapped. Emily is still sitting at your side, her body language giving you all the information you need. She is there as a friend to be there for you, she is also acting as a federal agent and refusing to give you any chance of escape.

"Screw you." You tell him, almost daring him to do something.

"Do I need to cuff you?" He asks. "Because at this point, I have no problem doing it." You watch as he reaches behind himself and grabs the silver handcuffs. And you squeeze your eyes shut, feeling the familiar feeling of a flashback coming on.

You body starts to shake, and somewhere, you hear Morgan yell at Hotch to put the cuffs away- you find yourself clinging to their voices- to anything that will stop you from falling into that flashback.

"JJ, c'mon." You hear Emily gently encourage you. "It's time to go inside."

"I don't want to." You whisper. "Please, don't make me." You are exhausted, emotionally ready to just give up.

"JJ, you have to." Emily says softly.

You shake your head. "I won't consent to treatment." You explain, knowing your rights. They cannot touch you if you do not consent. "I won't sign anything."

And you hear nothing.. only silence for a moment and your heart slows down. Maybe, maybe they have seen that you won that argument. Until Hotch fucks up your life again.

"You don't have to. I took guardianship; right now, I make all of your decisions."

****And all you can do is cry; you have lost all control. Again. Your life isn't yours anymore, just like it wasn't months ago. And despite everyone's promise that "it will get better." It is only getting worse.


	13. Gun

**A/N: I couldn't decide if I wanted to break this chapter up into two or one. In the end, I kept it as one! Enjoy and please review. **

You watch as Hotch sends Morgan into the hospital, presumably for help. You have refused to get out of the car even after the repeated threats. You aren't really sure what the addition of more people will do, other than frustrate you. If three FBI agents couldn't get you out of the car, you doubt the hospital staff will have any luck.

It's when you look up that you notice Emily is gone, and you are left with Hotch. Wonderful.

"Why won't you just let me die?" You whisper to him, not afraid to let the tears fall.

"I can't." He responds.

"You can, you just won't." You shoot back at him as it clicks with you that he sent Emily and Morgan away for a reason.

"You're right, I won't." He confirms for you as you look to your right, seeing the door unguarded. "I wouldn't try it, child locks are on." He informs you and points to the door for emphasis.

"And you think, that taking away my rights is actually going to stop me from killing myself?" You laugh at him. "You think my sticking me, locking me in a damn hospital- that I won't find a way, Agent Hotchner?" You actually feel yourself turning red, feel your hands shaking as your voice raises. "You don't think that I know how to kill myself in a hospital room?"

"Then why haven't you?" His question stops you.

"I wanted to say goodbye to my family, and you stopped that. You even stopped that!" You are actually looking at him dead in the eye, but you have noticed something. He has his gun on him, and it is easily accessible to you.

"I had to get you back to the hospital, JJ." He says and sounds almost guilty.

"Why?"

"So they can help you, JJ." His voice is the one you are used to hearing, the one he uses when he talks to his friends, co workers.

"I don't want help, Hotch." You shake your head. "I don't want this anymore."

"JJ.." He begins

"No! You don't get to JJ me. Where were you?" You want to scream at him. "Where were you and the team when that asshole killed me family?" You know it isn't fair, to blame him. You know he did the best he could, and the guilt he felt was apparent on his face.

"You don't think we tried? You don't think we stayed awake until we found you? You don't think everyone of us was sick by what we found? We found you alive, JJ, it doesn't mean we didn't lose anyone."

You shake your head. "You took my rights, Hotch."

"Before you took your life," He begins and you see Morgan and Emily approaching from behind and you know its now or never. You just hope he doesn't see through it.

You scoot closer to him. "Take me to the cemetery." You try as he makes the mistake and looks over his shoulder. Emily and Morgan are getting closer, but so is Hannah, and the doctors, nurses and a security guard. Assholes apparently rounded up the entire posse.

And as he is looking over his shoulder, you make your move

"HOTCH!" You hear Morgan shout, but it is too late, and you have done it. You have his gun in your hands; and it is loaded.

You see Hotch lunging at you and as you place the gun to your temple you close your eyes, and pull the trigger, you hear your name being called.

The gun goes off at the same time you feel an awful pain in your wrist, hear an awful crunch and immediately realize you failed. Again.

"NO!" You scream as Hotch tries to wrestle the gun from you, you hang onto it as if it is your lifeline. "No.." You struggle with him, kicking him in the chest as you hear chaos around you; bound and determined not to let this chance go. You maintain a tight grip on the weapon, surprising yourself at your own strength. It is only when the door behind you is suddenly flung open, and you feel a pair of hands pressing down your shoulders, forcing you onto your back that the gun is ripped from your hands, and you are fighting to sit up, as more hands force you down.

And as you lay on your back, completely unable to move, you listen to the voices surrounding you.

"Her wrist is broken." You hear one unfamiliar voice say.

"Call up to ICU, we need to get her in a safe room." Another says, and you feel warm, soft hands on your face, someone is wiping away your tears, another is running their hands along your hairline. You cannot move, at all. They have effectively restrained you to the point that there is no part of your body that can move without someone's assistance.

"Agent Hotchner, we need to sedate her." You hear someone say and you try and shake your head.

"Go ahead." Hotch betrays you again.

"No, Hotch!" You beg him, trying to fight all over again. "NO!" You see the syringe passed over you to awaiting hands.

"JJ." You feel the cold sting of the alcohol pad on your arm and you continue to struggle even though you can't move more than an inch in any direction. It isn't long after that that you suddenly begin to feel relaxed, you feel your body relaxing and watch as the hands are removed from your body.

"Was she hit?" You hear the conversation going on behind you, but do not care to participate.

"She isn't bleeding, the bullet went through the roof." Hotch says and you cannot help but make eye contact with him.

"Well, she'll be out in a few moments, lets get her to the ER." There are more hands on you and suddenly you have a hard time keeping your eyes open. You are fighting that too as someone picks you up, gently.

It is Hotch.

He places you down on the gurney, and while you cannot hear what he is saying, you find yourself hoping he will stay with you. He covers you with the blanket as he takes out his handcuffs and slips them over your uninjured wrist. You are too exhausted to say anything as he snaps the cuff around the gurney, effectively restrain you.

Your world is quickly turning black and as you take one more look around, you find yourself surrounded by men you don't know. "Hotch.." The sound of your own voice is panicked. "Hotch!" You cry out for him.

And then you feel a comforting hand on yours. "Right here, JJ. Get some rest."

****

And before you know it, you find yourself falling into a drug induced sleep.


	14. Dream

**A/N: I cannot believe the outpouring of support I am getting for this story! I am so glad to hear that it has helped so many people! Please, always know you are not alone! I have PTSD as well, and it is hard. "Grace" this chapter is for you: **

You are awake, fully conscious, but you refuse to open the eyes, to give them the pleasure of knowing they have won. Again. You simply lie there, refusing to move as you listen to the conversation going on at your side.

You recognize one voice as Hotch; the other voice, you are sure is that of the doctor.

"We need to keep her in the ICU for another few days." The doctor begins and you can almost feel them looking at you. "Her labs are showing some improvement with her liver and we want to keep them heading in that direction." There is a momentary pause and then he starts speaking again. "However, we need your consent. We need to keep her restrained. She is too much of a danger to herself right now to risk anything."

"Restrained?" You hear Hotch ask and you feel your body tighten up at the suggestion. "In what way do you mean restrained?"

"Sedated, Agent Hotchner." The doctor's tone is serious. "She has already proven that she knows how to get out of the hospital, she has every intention of killing herself."

"How long?" He asks and you find yourself silently begging to your boss to forbid it. To take your side for once.

"Not long, a few days. Just until we are sure she is stable enough so that we can move her to the behavioral health floor." You roll your eyes at the name. Behavioral health. What a damn joke, they aren't fooling anyone.

"Do we have any other options? I don't want to drug her to make your life easier."

You smile when you hear the doctor scoff at that. "We can physically restrain her.."

At first Hotch does not respond and you know deep down that he is about to rip the doctor a new asshole for what he just suggested. "Dr. Wyatt, do you know anything about Agent Jareau?" There is no answer and you know Hotch and how he works. He is protecting you. Just like he has always done. "Let me enlighten you a bit. A few months ago, Agent Jareau and her family were violently kidnapped from their home. My team, we did everything we could to find them- and when we did we found Agent Jareau restrained in a back room, unable to move at all. Her hands and feet were tied with leather binds, she was blindfolded and gagged. And you honestly think it is a good idea to physically restrain her?"

"I didn't know.." Dr. Wyatt's voice has dropped. Score one for Hotch. Wait! What? When did you find yourself siding with Hotch? Suddenly, you have to cough and try as you can, you can't help it when it slips out, and suddenly find yourself launched into a coughing fit.

"JJ, breathe." You feel yourself being pulled up and even the mere motion of having to sit up makes you want to vomit.

"Hotch." You cannot focus, and find yourself swaying as if you were drunk. "I don't feel well." You tell him, wanting to lie back down. Your entire body feels awful, the room is spinning.

You are dizzy, nauseated, and feel like hell. "It's from the sedation, JJ." he tells you. "They had to sedate you downstairs."

"No more." You tell him, simply wanting to sleep.

"JJ, its either that or physical restraints." His voice is caring, soft. "We have to do one."

"No." You shake your head. "Please." The side effects from one shot are awful, you can't imagine continued sedation.

"It won't be long JJ." He tells you, "I will be here." You watch as he signs his name on a piece of paper, you can only presume it is giving the staff permission to do everything against your wishes. You find yourself laying back down but in the background, you hear some of the conversation.

"I can withdraw consent at any time?" Hotch asks.

"Of course, sir." You don't recognize that voice, and are honestly too tired to care. "And it isn't sedation in what you might be thinking. She will be able to open her eyes, and respond, she will just be too tired to try anything dangerous."

You watch as Hotch moves out of the way, and gives the nurse access to more wires running into your body. "She needs the rest, sir. We need her body to rest and repair her liver."

And with a single nod, Hotch gives permission for the nurse to push the medication.

It's a calming feeling, really, as you suddenly feel to tired to even keep your eyes open, you no longer care about fighting, instead you just want to sleep. Sleep. And dream about your family.


	15. Panic

**A/N: Stay with me on this one! Thank you for all the reviews! I have to make this sooo hard for JJ for a reason!**

Its the smell of cookies that provokes you to open your eyes; immediately you can identify them. Will. He always used to make the best chocolate chip red velvet cookies; and it was no secret that you were addicted to them.

You hadn't smelled them since just before that awful day; and suddenly you can almost taste them. You yawn and stretch, opening your eyes and all you can do is smile.

You are in your bed, with your sheets, your pillows and your son.

"Henry?" You reach over, and touch his hair, hoping this isn't a dream.

"Hi Momma, we are making cookies." He tells you. "Momma!" He shoots up and climbs on top of you, sitting on your stomach. "Momma, why are you crying?" He reaches over and wipes the tears from your eyes. "Are you sad?"

You shake your head, knowing that if you open your mouth you will start sobbing. You cannot believe this is happening, your baby boy is right in front of you, talking to you. "Then why are you crying?" He bends down and places a kiss on your nose.

"I am just happy to see you." You tell him, unable to take your eyes off him. You have no idea what has happened but know it is one of a few options.

The first and the one you can only hope is true is that everything was all an awful nightmare. That nothing happened, you and your son and your husband are safe in your house.

The second is that you finally succeed in killing yourself. That somehow you outwitted Hotch and the team and the staff at the hospital.

The third, and the one you are most terrified of is that this is all a dream.

But for now, you will take what you have. Henry has snuggled in closer to you, and you hold him tight as you feel him fall asleep on your chest. He has his favorite blanket stuffed under his arm, a toy truck clutched in his hand as he sucks on his thumb. Your son. Your Henry is safe, in your arms.

"J?" You turn your head as you see Will walk into your room.

"Hi." You want to jump up and hug him, wrap your arms around him and never let go. But you can't. Your child, your baby boy is sleeping on you.

"You okay, love?" He sits down next to you and strokes your hair.

"I miss you." You tell him, trying to gauge where you have found yourself.

Will nods and your heart drops. "We miss you too."

"Will." You look at him, pleading for answers.

"JJ, listen to me, and listen good." He pauses. "You cannot keep doing this." He shakes his head and takes your hand. "You can't."

"No. Will." You are quickly realizing what he is about to tell you. "Please."

"JJ, we are safe, we are good."

"How are you safe? How are you good?" You want to shout at him. "He.. he killed you!" The tears are back now.

"I know, J. But that doesn't give you any excuse to try and kill yourself!" You know the tone of voice he is using, and you know that when he uses that tone, he isn't going to give up, that you have already lost this argument. "JJ, I promise you I will be here for Henry, we are not going anywhere. He will not grow up without you. I am here."

"I can't do this Will." You shake your head "I want to stay here with you."

"No, honey. I won't let you."

"Will.." You begin but are instantly interrupted.

"Jennifer, I love you with all my heart, and always will. I know it's still so recent, that the pain will not go away anytime soon, but you have to stop fighting them. They only want to help.."

"Do I get a choice?" You ask, hoping that you do.

He smiles and bends down. "You do."

"I want to stay with you." You do not even hesitate. You know what you want.

"I wish you could." You watch as he reaches over and takes Henry from you. "I am sorry, JJ. But you are going back. I made the choice for you."

"Will.. No.." You shake your head as his image begins to fade, as Henry completely disappears and Will. "Will!" You scream for him, trying to climb out of bed, but you can't. Your bed seems to be holding you down, trapping you in the blankets and you struggle to get out. "Will." You cry again, desperate to catch up to him; and just as quickly as it began, he and Henry are gone.

"JJ!" You hear someone calling your name but you are still trying to follow your husband. You no longer hear the birds singing, or the music from his favorite show, instead you are hearing beeping and your name being called.

"Will, please, wait for me.." You cry trying to follow him, "Please, Will. Please, don't leave me."


	16. I can't

**A/N: Sorry for the delay! Enjoy! Sorry that it's so short, but it is essential. **

"Agent Jareau?" You open your eyes to see yet another stranger enter the room. You have no idea who he is and have no intentions of addressing him. The past few days have been different, each in their own unique way.

You are not really sure what day it is, but know a few things. The nurses have told you that they are decreasing the sedation, that they are essentially weaning you off of it. You ignore them, but understand that, with less medication running through your system, you are able to think more clearly.

Your thoughts are not as fuzzy anymore, and you are able to stay awake for longer periods of time. But despite the decreasing sedation, you are not even given a chance to try and think about hurting yourself.

The hospital has assigned a nursing student to you, 24/7. You are never alone; the sole job of that "sitter" is to stay with you all the time. Essentially, you have a baby sitter.

"Agent Jareau?" The man tries again, and again, you refuse to look at him.

You have so little control, so little, that this right now, ignoring him, seems like the only control you do have; and by God, you intend to keep it.

"Okay, let me try it this way." The man shifts in his seat, but does not move closer to you. You won't talk, but you do listen. "My name is Dr. Green, I am the Chief of Psychiatry here."

'Great' You think to yourself, 'another doctor who wants to "fix" me.' You keep your focus on the wall ahead of you, at the dry erase board hung on the wall.

"Your guardian.."

And that is when you snap. "He is NOT my damn guardian!" You tell him.

"Well, the court says differently." Dr. Green counters.

"I don't care, he does not have that power.."

"Actually, Agent Jareau, he does. And until you start thinking straight, he will remain your guardian. If you wish to have your rights restored, you have to either be damn good at fooling me, or show me that you do wish to make an effort to get better."

You stare at him, and look away again, chewing on the inside of your lip.

"It is your choice, Agent Jareau. You either start working with me, start talking, eating, showing some effort, or I will recommend to the court that you remain under guardianship."

"And you think guardianship is going to stop me from killing myself?"

"No." Dr. Green shakes his head. "But it will make it a hell of a lot harder."

You turn away, looking towards the window. "You can't help me Dr. Green." You pause and force the tears back. "I don't want you to waste your time with a lost cause."

"Is that what you think you are? A lost cause?"

You sigh and decide not to answer that, you don't want to dig yourself into a deeper hole.

"Agent Jareau, you are far from that. Right now, I am not sure you beleive me on that; and I cannot begin to imagine the pain you are feeling. But I am asking that you give us, give me, and Hannah, but most importantly, give yourself time. Give yourself a chance- you never know what might come from it."

You close your eyes again, thinking about what he is saying. "I can't." And the tears began to fall.


	17. Hannah

**A/N: Thanks for hanging with me!**

They have you cornered, your back is against the wall, and your knees are drawn up, your arms wrapped protectively around them. You know you messed up, and you didn't mean to, but, at the time, you felt as if you had no choice. He scared you.

"JJ." You look up to see Morgan walking slowly towards you, his hands out signaling he has no intention of hurting you.

"Stay away." You command him, not wanting to be touched. Just behind him, you see a number of staff beginning to file into the room, including the security guards. "Go away."

"I can't." He shakes his head and kneels in front of you.

You look and see it, one of the nurses has a loaded syringe in her hands; seeing it, you immediately reach down and rip out the IV ignoring the pleads for you to leave it alone.

"JJ." You watch Morgan shake his head.

"They are going to drug me." You whisper to him and watch as Morgan glances over his shoulder.

"You broke Dr. Green's nose.."

"He deserved it." You whisper looking down. Morgan smiles at you, and you realize he is moving closer. "Stop." You command him and try to move further against the wall, you are cornered and you feel yourself starting to sweat.

"Okay." Morgan nods and its then you see what has happened. Before you can react, Hotch is behind you, Rossi at his side. "Stop!" you scream as they haul you off the floor and over to the bed. "No!" You scream at them, terrified.

"JJ. Calm down." One of the nurses says as you fight harder the closer you get to the bed.

"Please, don't." You cry, trying to get away from that bed. It has been triggering awful flashbacks lately, and with the men dragging you, you know it will only intensify. "Hotch, please!" You beg, making yourself fall to the ground, anything to avoid that bed.

They have no idea what is going on, and you hear them commanding you to stand up, to cooperate, but you can't, your body is not allowing it. You pull and fight and tug; desperate to escape this.

"Stop!" You hear a calming voice, and suddenly, everything in the room dies down. You recognize it and while the men do not let go of you, their grasp lessens.

"JJ?" You turn to see Hannah, she is on the floor next to you. "Oh honey, what happened?" She asks softly and you can only shake your head. You watch as she looks around and takes in the scene. "Oh jeez. Is the bed scaring you?"

You nod, and feel your heart rate begin to slow. "Yes." You whisper.

"They dragged you into a bed, didn't they?" She knows it and you know it, what she is referring to. Not this event, but the event that started this hell hole.

You nod as Hannah hands you a tissue.

"Okay, how about you go a lie on the couch, can you do that?" She points to the small green couch in the corner of the room. Again, you nod, and before you know it, you are on your back on the couch, Hannah by your side. You close your eyes to take a deep breath, when you feel the sudden sting of the needle in your arm.

They have sedated you, again. And for once, you're welcome it. As your eyes grow heavy, you look around and see Hotch and Morgan talking to Hannah. You hear bits and pieces of the conversation, and flinch when Hotch walks over to you. You are too tired to fight now, but force your eyes to stay open as he grabs something from the bed.

It is when the warmth of the blanket overtakes you, that you finally close your eyes and fall asleep, knowing Hotch is there to keep you safe.


	18. Ambulance

**A/N: This is the end of this story; BUT, when you read the end of this chapter you will see that it sets up perfectly for a sequal Thank you all for your reviews! ENJOY!**

"I don't want to go." You find yourself whispering to Hannah as two orderlies stand just outside your room. It has been four days since the event involving the bed, the fight, and you breaking the pompous doctor's nose; and this morning the staff had the nerve to drop another ball on you. They are transferring you to another facility- a behavioral health hospital as they call it. A place that specializes in mental health. Great.

"I know, JJ." Hannah sits next to you. "But we do not have a choice. We've done everything we can for you here.."

"I'm getting better.." You try, not willing to admit that you are terrified to leave the safety the hospital has provided.

"And we want you to continue to do so; we want you to get back to your life, to become that kick ass agent we all know you are." You don't smile often anymore, but Hannah manages to bring a small one out. You have learned to trust her, relay on her, believe her. She has become sort of a liaison between you and Hotch; telling him your concerns so that you did not need to worry about them. And it has helped.

You watch as Hannah leans closer to you and smiles a bit. "Besides, we want this guardianship crap to be over with." She winks and you cannot help but laugh. It's true, you want your rights restored and are realizing the only way that is going to happen is if you agree to get some help.

Not that you really have any choice. You don't get a choice in consenting to, or declining medical treatment, you don't even have the legal right to sign your own consents right now, that is all Hotch. And according to the law, what Hotch says, is what is done. You can fight all you want, it won't make a difference unless Hotch changes his mind.

Hannah must know that you are terrified because in the moment the men start walking towards you to load you on the ambulance, she gently takes your hand. "I'll walk down with you."

And you couldn't be more thankful for her.

It isn't ten minutes later that you find yourself in the back of an ambulance. Hannah is sitting inside next to you, trying to distract you. You are shivering from the cold and simply want to get this over with. Somewhere, deep down in your gut, you know something is wrong.

It might be instinct, or your training, but you know it. You try and calm yourself and your breathing, try to listen to Hannah's soft words. She is trying to calm you, and you are desperately trying to hang on.

And when a mask is suddenly slipped over your nose and mouth, you panic. Something is very, very wrong.

"JJ, it's okay!" Hannah grabs hold of your arms, not allowing you to reach for the mask. "It's oxygen, JJ." She tells you.

You shake your head, you know it isn't oxygen, oxygen doesn't make you suddenly exhausted. You shake your head harder trying to dislodge the mask. You watch as Hannah moves out of your way, and stronger arms take her place, holding you down.

It's getting harder to keep your eyes open, but with your last conscious thought you make eye contact with the paramedic.

"I've missed you, Agent Jareau." He whispers, brushing your hair back. "Don't worry, love, the gas will make sure you take a nice long nap." Your eyes are closing and you cannot do anything as the man who murdered your family leans down and kisses you on the forehead.

It is the last thing you remember before your world once again turns black.


End file.
